I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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