My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
