You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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