I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
