i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
