yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
