Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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