So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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