I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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