The maid of honor just puked.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
