Someone shit on the floor
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
