My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
