I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
