the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
