New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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