I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
