I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
