'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize