Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
