I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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