I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Small penises have feelings too.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
