I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
