She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
