epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
