Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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