He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
