I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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