I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
