highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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