you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
