I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
