Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
