Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
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