I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
