Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
