Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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