It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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