tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
