Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
