My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
