I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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