Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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