I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize