Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
