Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
