i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
