I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize