We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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