If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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