then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
