does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize