my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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