Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Randomize
