She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
