the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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