Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
