why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
