yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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