We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
