It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
