I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
